This blog below was written by Kim Daniels, who is currently on the World Race.
She’s a gifted writer–much better than me–and has had an amazing
journey this past year. This is the kind of people that we need on the
battlefield with us–bold, full of the Spirit, and just real. Her blog
is full of stories like this.
Kind of like something shifted in me the night we got held at gunpoint in Johannesburg, South Africa, something shifted in me the night I found myself on the rooftop in Phnom Phen, Cambodia yelling freedom over the city with my brother Matt.
Most of our squad is in Cambodia working in the slums, but 8 of us are
back in Bangkok, Thailand for the next 7 days… back in the bars.The World Race ends for me on November
21st. Just when I thought I was near done… nope! We’re going to pump it
up a notch at the end of this thing here. No fizzling out. The word
‘autopilot’ means nothing.
Its hard to describe what it was
like being back in the Nana Entertainment district again, except to say
that I knew I need to be there. Not just last night. Not just tonight
and tomorrow night. But in the future. As I sat sipping my water, God
told me, “Kim, you belong in the strip bars.”
He made me smirk at that one. I like it: I work for Jesus in the strip bars.
We went back to Nana for the first time since GATO
left Thailand 2 months ago. I’d felt intense all day, and it culminated
especially as I stepped out of the taxi and laid eyes once more on the
chaos of the downtown scene. The lights. The pounding music. The men.
The women. The beer. The smell…Once I get into intense mode, it takes the
jaws of life to pry me out. I wanted to just get in there. I walked
fast, fiercely praying through the downtown streets, blessing little
kids and speaking limbs into cripples. I tend to feel the physical
weight of spiritual atmospheres; it manifests itself in extreme aches
in my body, headaches, nausea, stomach issues, etc etc. Over the last
couple of months I’ve recognized it as hell’s pathetic ploy to keep me
at home. So whatever. I say no to hell. “Hell, no.”
Caroline, Andi, Matt S, Mark, Gretchen, Patrice and I split into
smaller groups and headed into the 3 story entertainment center, which
read “Nana Entertainme”. The ‘nt’ had burnt out. Caroline, Andi and I
went into a bar on the 2nd floor that was hidden behind a green curtain.As we sat inside, drinking our waters, a
random man named Lonny (that’s what we’ll call him) came in and sat
down. After about 3 minutes of trying to hit on me, he realized that
getting hit on was not what I was in this bar for and started to ask
some different questions and listen to mine. We talked for about an
hour.
His was a classic story: He’d
come with his two friends from Australia to Thailand to ‘do what the
Thai people do’ after his 3 year relationship with his girlfriend had
ended. Basically, he was here because he was angry, felt rejected, and
was in the mood to dehumanize others and make them feel worthless
because he felt dehumanized and worthless himself. Behind me were Andi
and Caroline, praying. Behind him were his two buddies, making out with
the almost naked women.He asked why I was in Bangkok. I said, “Those girls up there”,
motioning with my head and turning my eyes to the girls on the poles.
He followed my gaze and looked back at me. “Those girls are somebody’s
sister. Somebody’s mom. Somebody’s daughter. No matter how they ended
up here, none of them are too far gone. Basically, I want then to know
that they CAN get out. And if they won’t yet, I at least want to tell
them that their intrinsic value has nothing to do with their outward
beauty or how much men will pay to sleep with them. Most of these women
have never ever heard that in their life.”
He played along with that for a while, saying things to make me think
he agreed. I saw that he hadn’t let it hit him yet, so we kept talking.
I asked him, “So, Lonny, can I ask you a question?” With his yes, I
said, “If you really think all those things about the girls- how sad it
is that they are doing this, and how you don’t think it’s right- then
what are you doing here?”He looked down at his beer bottle, smiled and nodded his head as if
to say, “You caught me.” He said, “I’m here with my buddies. They know
I don’t agree, but I didn’t want to be alone, so I came. And I have a
pretty screwed up life, ya know Kim. Probably nothing like your’s. I’ve
been really depressed and almost killed myself a few times. I’ve lost
the love of my life and lots of my close friends and family have died.
I’ve had near death experiences, and have been on and off of all kinds
of drugs for years. I bet you don’t know very much about that.”
I
smiled. “Actually, Lonny, I know about all that. Our circumstances are
different and I won’t ever assume to know exactly what your life has
been like. But I do understand depression. I was in it deep and heavy
for years, and I understand the suicidal thoughts that go along with
it. I get death– my dad died suddenly of a heart attack and I’ve had
quite a few friends die in the war and in freak accidents. I get
loosing the “love of your life”, and how excruciating that can be. I’ve
been held at gunpoint; that’s a near death experience if I ever heard
one. And the drugs, well, I’ve never done pot or coke or smoked, but I
was on anti-depressants for so long that it began to alter my
personality. There are whole chunks of my life that I don’t remember
because of those doctor prescribed drugs. But your illegal drugs and my
legal ones both have the same origin: using human re-doubled efforts to
feel better, or to numb pain. Neither one of those ever works.”
His eyes were glued on me. He said, “What are you really doing here?”I told him about my Hero, who
said that you have to loose your life in order to find it. And so I
left everything behind, gave Him my life, keep giving Him more of it,
and apparently it’s led me all around the world.*
He told me about his Catholic background, and how it just never really
worked for him and he couldn’t figure out why. I asked him if he ever
felt boxed in, like there were a bunch rigid standards that he could
just never live up to, a list of do’s and don’ts that he was supposed
to keep and always found himself missing the mark. He said yes, and so
his response to it all was “Forget it. I can’t measure up anyways” and
concluded that he was just a bad person and that God was really angry
at him.
The law had brought him death.He told me that he hated
religion. And I told him that I hate religion, too. His eyebrows
raised… “Wait, I thought you are a Christian…”
“I am,” I answered. “But I’m not about religion. Religion sucks the
life out of me and makes me want to whither and die. I’m not about a
system that tells me how to live a nice life. I’m about the God who
raises the dead and still makes all things new, who is also the same
God that doesn’t judge me on my performance or love me with condition.”That’s when he broke. I watched his eyes change. They softened and
then deepened, and he looked really vulnerable all of a sudden, like
someone had just exposed his child-like innocence from a facade of
pseudo-man pretending to be tough and calloused.
“What do you see when you step inside of Nana, Kim?”
“I see the Matrix. We’re in the Matrix. Have you seen that movie?” He nodded. “Everything we see right now is not the real
world. I can touch this wall, and I’m sitting on this stool, but these
tangibles are not the reality of what is really going on in this bar.
I’ve taken the red pill, and now I’m so deep into the truth of reality
that I can never go back. What I see going on here is a battle for
these girls’ souls, and for the men’s souls, too. There are lies here,
accusations, greed, depression, hopelessness, lust, all things
manufactured by hell. But there is also Light, and Life, perfection and
beauty, restoration, hope, truth, and freedom. What I see when I step
inside of Nana is it drying up. I see it not existing. I see the whole
strip-bar scene going back to hell where it came from and Nana becoming
a place that reflects the Kingdom of God, on earth as it is in heaven.”
His eyes kept softening. “…I want what you have. If I could have whatever this is, I’d scoop it up with both hands so quick…”“Hey, good news then. Its for you…” I said. “Jesus is especially fond of you…”**
I saw that facade begin to whither, but then something like a black
sheet dropped over head. He stood up all of a sudden and got really
flustered. I was surprised at how abrupt it was… He said, “Okay, um, I
don’t know what this is”, motioning to his chest and stomach area, “I
don’t know whats going on, but its really unfamiliar, and… I just need
to go. I’m just going to go.”
I saw the discomfort in him… I saw that he’d been stirred and it freaked him out. But I smiled, thinking Oh,
boy, God met you in the bar tonight. You came for sex and left
recognizing your hunger for Someone else… You’re much closer than you
think… “Okay” I said. “Wherever you go, look for truth. Real truth, Lonny. And don’t settle until you find It.”I watched him walk away quickly, his head down, oblivious to the
girls all around him. I knew that God had gotten a little too close for
his comfort zone.That’s part of my
dream for Thailand. It’s not just for the bar girls, it’s for the men
here, too. That they would travel halfway around the world thinking
that they’ll dive deep into pleasure and ignore the pain that drives
them here… but instead of meeting girls for sex in the bars, they meet
God instead. Because God’s Kingdom invaded the bars incognito, and they
didn’t even see it coming. And in the very place that they thought
they’d play Jonah to keep running from Him, they crash into Him.
~~~
*Quote from Matt Snyder’s mind
**“The Shack”. A must read.
